My Dad Has Something to Say...
Healing & Restoring One Relationship At a Time. | I am What an Intellectual Property Attorney Looks Like
Hey Fam,
Happy holidays from my dad and me.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know my relationship with my father has been… a journey.
I didn’t grow up with him in the house, and as I’ve gotten older, we’ve both had to do a lot of healing, face a lot of accountability, and engage a whole lot of reflection.
There are still moments when old trauma rears its head. And when it does, my dad meets me with patience. He accepts my apologies.
And in the same way, I work to extend that grace to him.
Interrupting your regularly scheduled event to say this: it is possible to build a better relationship with your parents and other loved ones as an adult —even if things were complicated, painful, or unfinished in childhood.
Because here’s the thing, while we’re growing, our loved ones are growing too.
My hope for many of us is that we remember this: our relationships are not automatically beyond repair just because we didn’t get it right early on.
Sometimes, as I’ve learned, restoration comes later.
Sometimes healing looks quieter than we imagined. Sometimes it looks like choosing to try again.
The Founder’s Letter is Special.
As you’re reflecting (and hopefully resting) during this holiday season—between the gatherings, the memories, the tenderness, and the grief—I want to offer three messages of encouragement.
Three reminders that growth and restoration are not outside the scope of possibility for you, even if the road has been long.
Ready?
Let’s get into it.
1. You are not the only one who has grown.
It’s easy to believe that we’re the only ones doing the work.
That we’ve evolved while everyone else stayed the same.
But often as I’ve learned, growth is happening quietly on both sides.
Our parents are aging.
Reflecting.
Learning.
And dare I say…regretting.
And all in all, trying—in ways they may not always know how to articulate.
Someone said this to me years ago, and I remember it to this day: Trust that life, with all its ups and downs, was someone’s teacher.
After all, lessons can come from inside and outside the therapy room.
Restoration becomes possible when we allow room for the idea that change doesn’t always announce itself loudly.
Sometimes it shows up as patience.
Sometimes it shows up as listening.
Sometimes it shows up as deciding to change for the better.
2. Healing & forgiveness does not require forgetting.
Restoration does not mean erasing the past or pretending things didn’t hurt.
Let me be the first to say, it doesn’t require amnesia.
It requires honesty, boundaries, and the courage to stay present even when old wounds flare up.
My dad and I have had some tough conversations.
Picture this, a First Gen Nigerian American Brooklyn born lawyer vs. a dyed in the wool confidant Nigerian man.
Yeah, our conversations were anything but bland…
But they were necessary and healing.
And frankly? They’re still ongoing.
The fact that trauma still surfaces doesn’t mean we’re failing.
It means we’re human.
Why? Because healing often looks like continuous & perpetual repair—not perfection.
Like apologizing when needed.
Like accepting apologies when they’re offered.
Like choosing grace without denying truth.
3. It’s not too late to choose differently.
Time passing does not mean opportunity has passed.
As adults, we get a new kind of agency.
I remember the day I decided to be more intentional about my relationship with my dad. . . after realizing I needed more wisdom in doing this whole “adulting” thing right.
So I started off slow. I’d send him small gifts to let him know I was thinking about him. I’d check in for 5 minute calls to make sure he was doing okay.
I grew to asking him about his childhood and learned new things I never knew about this man who shares my last name.
And then I invited him to visit me in California.
Because here’s the thing, we still have agency as adult.
We’re not the powerless children anymore.
And we get to decide how we show up.
The relationship you didn’t have as a child doesn’t disqualify you from building something meaningful today.
Restoration doesn’t always look like rewriting the past.
Sometimes it looks like writing a future with more care.
If this season has you holding complicated emotions—hope and grief, gratitude and longing—know that you’re not alone.
Growth and restoration are not outside your reach.
They are not late.
They are not unrealistic.
Sometimes they’re just quieter than we expected.
Here’s to reflection.
Here’s to grace.
Here’s to the possibility of restoration—on its own timeline.
Happy holidays, fam.
#ForTheCulture
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Thanks for reading
See you next time.
It warms my heart knowing you and your Dad have been able to heal, however slowly and gently, Ruky. What comes through in your writing is how mutual it is.
That's a wonderful platform for healing, and not one to be taken for granted.
My own father's narcissism means he filters every conversation through the lens of his own wounded inner child.
This means our relationship's something to be managed more than healed and I usually choose to relate to him on a surface level, to avoid escalation. It's part of my journey and I'm cool with that. You've both made real progress with what sounds like it was a high wire act. Brava.
Thank you for sharing. Coming from a childhood riddled with trauma, it is beautiful to see that you and your father have found the path of restoration. I am writing a piece regarding a comment my mother made to me this season. A comment that shows just how far we have come from when I wrote my motherless blog.
I love your points of boundaries, communication, and realizing that amnesia isn’t part of the equation.
However, for our parents, I would add that, as they reflect and may have some regret, they can learn how to do and handle things differently now. They can also change and learn new ways.